Fish n' Skeleton Adventures?
by Sky's Penname
Summary: A collection of unconnected short stories centered around Papyrus and Undyne - from exploring puzzle secrets to making barely edible spaghetti... and more! And this? Is how it all starts? (And does it end?)
1. Beginning?

The dimly lit bar in the middle of town buzzed quietly with activity. Monsters and humans alike came to drink their sorrows away or find new and interesting people. Two such monsters sat on bar stools together at the bar's long counter-top. The intimidating fish woman gripped a beer in her hands so tightly, that at any moment it might shatter into a million pieces. Next to her, a skeleton sipped at a similar bottle (labelled root beer) through a silly straw. The skeleton wore a very stylish archaeologist outfit, with a matching tan vest, tan shorts, and a large hat. A magnifying glass dangled on his belt.

Sitting next to the skeleton was another human. He noticed the skeleton's outfit and found himself interested in striking up a conversation. "Hey there," he greeted.

"HELLO, HUMAN," the skeleton replied, a little too eagerly. "I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS!"

The man cringed slightly, not expecting to get such a big response. "I was, uh, just wanting to talk," he was unsure if he actually wanted to anymore. "L-like about your outfit. What do you do?"

The skeleton beamed, absolutely ecstatic that anyone noticed his amazing outfit. "I'M AN ARCHAEOLOGIST! I GO ON ADVENTURES!" His feet bounced excitedly against the floor. "AND I SOLVE PUZZLES! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ARCHAEOLOGISTS DO!"

The man raised a skeptical eyebrow for a moment, but tried his best not to be rude. He nodded. "An archaeologist, eh? I have a friend in that field. What college did you go to?"

"COLLEGE?!"

The fish woman sitting next to Papyrus found herself in a rather similar situation.

Though she was also on archaeological adventures like Papyrus, she wanted to wear much more useful clothes. Which was why she was decked out in her tough metal armor, professing to act as most awesome bodyguard to Papyrus. After all, when solving puzzles, you needed someone to watch your back and take out all the bad guys, right? And she was eager for some bad guys to take out very soon.

But right now, there were only normal guys and gals around her. One such was a mermaid who sat on the left side of her, sipping prettily on a colorful drink. The fish woman sneered at such a cowardly beverage. The mermaid, however, didn't seem to notice this. She brushed some of her long and beautiful blonde hair from her face to look into the other monster's right eye (the left being covered by an eyepatch). "Hey there," she breathed out almost in a whisper.

"Hey," the fish woman replied halfheartedly, starring forward at nothing in particular. The mermaid was attractive, but she wasn't about to show any weakness.

"My name's Ariel," she said, daintily taking a sip out of her rainbow beverage. "What's yours?"

Very original name, the fish woman thought to herself. "I'm Undyne. My partner and I are looking for information." She took her bottle and threw her head back, gulping the entire drink in just a few seconds. After a very unladylike burp, she signaled to the barkeeper for another one.

The mermaid's eyelids fluttered, clearly enamored at this point by the dangerous Undyne sitting next to her. "Information? Like what? Maybe I can help," she said in a silky tone, suggesting more than that.

Undyne turned to the mermaid, a scowl on her face. The mermaid shivered in excitement. "Various adventure junk. You know. Folk tales, legends, things people think aren't true but then end up actually being true and there's tons of bad guys and treasure and stuff." At the word bad guy, Undyne pounded a fist into the bar counter, a toothy grin on her face. Her fist left a rather large dent, but Undyne didn't even notice. Quite a few patrons of the bar looked over in interest, including the barkeeper himself, but felt too intimidated by the one-eyed fish monster to say anything.

The mermaid flinched, but refused to give up on her catch. "Oh, I know of something like that. Ruins. I could give you directions maybe…" She sat back, brushed a lock of her hair over her shoulder, and 'accidently' knocked the string holding her shell bikini top off her shoulder, calling attention to her chest.

Undyne's face finally showed a sign of weakness and for a brief moment, a shade of red and heat colored her cheeks. In an instant however, her blushing face turned into a nightmarish scowl. Undyne stood tall, slammed her fist into the table again (nearly breaking down the whole counter this time) and bellowed "Are you challenging me?"

"N-no, I-I just wanted to g-get to know you and take you to my place-"

"So you wanted to kidnap me too!?" Undyne roared. A glowing spear illuminated the bar as she gripped it hard.

"No!" The mermaid held up her hands, her seductive charade broken. "I'll tell you where the ruins are, please just calm down!"

Papyrus, meanwhile, was too happily engrossed in telling his new human friend about the intricate difficulties of Junior Jumble, unaware of Undyne's growling fish noises that were rising in intensity. He was also unaware of his human friend sliding away from him, making Papyrus soon just talk to the air for several minutes at a time.

Luckily, he soon had a new friend who was eager to listen to him.

"OH HELLO, NEW HUMAN!" Papyrus greeted politely when he actually decided to look. "DO YOU ALSO WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PUZZLE ADVENTURES?"

The man, who wore a long trench coat and looked like he hadn't washed his head in weeks, swiftly glided into the empty seat next to the skeleton. Eyes shifted in all directions before turning back to Papyrus. "Hey. Heard from your friend that you're looking for…" Another quick look-around. "Information?"

Papyrus clapped his hands. "OH, YES. THAT IS WHAT WE BOTH SEEK. TO GO ON OUR ADVENTURES."

The man shifted his stool closer, enough so that Papyrus could see how bloodshot his eyes were. A human thing? "I got info for those who have… the goods." He shook a little. "Know what I mean?"

"OHHH." Papyrus narrowed his eye sockets. "UM. YES? YES!"

"I ain't accepting no substitutes." He held out his palm, face-up on the table. "So, hook me up."

"OKAY." Papyrus did as the human asked. A wad of spaghetti and meatballs plopped onto the accepting hand. "THERE YOU GO." He winked very audibly. "THE GOODS FROM THE GREAT PAPYRUS."

The man blinked at the mess he held. "The hell, dude."

By this point, Undyne was screeching, gripping her magic spear as she waved it around, trying to get her own share of information. The spear whizzed over Papyrus' head, slicing his archaeologist hat in half, though he was still too oblivious to notice. "I accept your challenge!" she was yelling at the quivering mermaid. _"And I won't lose!"_

The other patrons at the bar couldn't really ignore any of this. Some had fled, knowing what was about to happen. Others cracked their knuckles, ready to take out the trouble maker.

Before Undyne could get her precious information, she felt a smart _crack_ over her head as a wooden chair shattered to pieces. She barely felt it, but the distraction caused her magical spear to fade out of existence. "Ngaah!" she roared, punching her first victim. "I'll take you all on!"

"AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS KEEP A JAR OF SPAGHETTI SAUCE WITH YOU!" Papyrus said, finishing his long speech. He blinked. The man he was talking to was no longer there. He blinked again. The bar he was sitting in was barely there! His eyes bulged out of skull for a brief moment and he hurriedly began to examine the situation.

The bar was in ruins. Dazed monsters and humans alike lay groaning on the floor, various pieces of debris and bottles scattered across their bodies. Nobody was horribly injured, but they were going to be awfully sore for a while. Light fixtures had been torn off the ceiling, sparks flying where the wires dangled in the wind. The wind?

Papyrus turned his head to the entrance and found the entire wall, door and all, had been destroyed. Cold night air was blowing into the once peaceful establishment. Green glowing spears littered the walls that weren't destroyed. A human was pinned to one by the scruff of his shirt, looking terrified, but not wanting to bring any attention to himself, lest the nightmare monster find him. So he dangled.

Undyne stood in the center of it all, covered in light bruises and tiny shards of glass. She noticed none of the pain, a terrifying smile plastered upon her face as she tormented her victim. A lone Temmie was beneath Undyne's boot as she continued to stomp on the monster's face. It didn't seem to mind and every time it's smiling face was struck, it let out a squeak like that of a doggie toy.

"UNDYNE!" Papyrus shouted, his usual grin turned into a disappointed frown. "WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

The fish woman looked up at the skeleton, stomping the Temmie one final time before kicking it out into the darkness, its smiling expression and vibrating body disappearing into the night. "They challenged me, Papyrus! What was I supposed to do?"

Papyrus held out a finger like he was scolding a dog who had gotten into the food pantry. "YOU CAN'T KEEP DESTROYING FINE ESTABLISHMENTS LIKE THESE, UNDYNE. IT'S RUDE!"

She hated being talked to like this, but she would never hurt her friend in anger. She would hurt him for plenty of other reasons, but not in anger. "All right, all right, I guess," she sighed, defeated.

"DID YOU AT LEAST GET ANY INFORMATION?" he asked, hands on his bony hips.

"I was about to! That's when they challenged me!" Undyne whined, crossing her arms.

Papyrus' grin glowed in the dreary ruins of the bar. He struck a heroic pose. "FEAR NOT! FOR I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS DID!" He pulled out a crumpled and worn out map from his shorts and held it out over his head.

The skeleton put the paper down on the remains of the counter, and turned his shoulder to face away from Undyne. "BUT I WILL ONLY SHARE IT IF YOU PROMISE TO STOP HURTING PEOPLE AND PICKING FIGHTS WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE IT!"

Undyne stomped her foot into a piece of the chair, and its splinters scattered across the destroyed bar, nearly hitting Papyrus who either stoically did not flinch, or just plain didn't notice the danger that flew past his way. "But they did des-" she started and then stopped herself. She looked down at her feet with a sigh and childishly kicked some dust off the ground. She needed these adventures. "Okay, okay, I'll control myself better," she muttered. "Control myself the best. So good." She growled, clenching her fist and sweating profusely.

Papyrus cheered and ran over to give his buddy a hug, who ungraciously accepted it with a both a growl _and_ a hiss. "GOOD, GOOD! THEN LET US BE OFF!" he yelled, running off with his pal into the night.

The map stayed on the counter, completely forgotten.


	2. Tem Arfitact?

**Chapter 2?: Tem Arfitact?**

Darkness enveloped the duo. The air down below was stale and musty. Undyne gripped a glowing spear out in front of her, their only source of light down here. Cobwebs decorated the stone walls. A faint howling could be heard as the wind creeped in from the long forgotten entrance blowing in the night sand. Ironically, the skeleton monster's bony teeth chattered and his ribs rattled as he shivered in fright. His skull turned every which way, darting to every shadow that appeared in the tiny cracks or behind a corner.

"Don't be-"

Papyrus screamed, nearly jumping out of his archaeologist shorts.

Undyne frowned and waited for the skeleton to stop screeching. "Don't be such a baby, Papyrus," she sighed. "What could possibly be down here that I couldn't punch in the face repeatedly?" She tightened her fist, and the green glow illuminated a fang-filled grin on her face.

"M-MUMMIES!" Papyrus stammered, still turning every which way at the tiniest peep of danger.

Undyne's grin fell apart at the seams. She nearly dropped her spear in frustration. "You're kidding. They're just rotting skeletons with bandages around them."

"YES, BUT THEY'RE VERY RUDE," Papyrus added, matter-of-fact like. "I HAVE A COUSIN WHO IS A MUMMY AND HE RARELY CALLS! WHEN HE DOES, HE JUST ASKS FOR MONEY!"

The sushi warrior resisted the urge to pummel her friend's skull, and tried her best to show some self-restraint for once. She ignored the comment and decided to focus on the great pyramid's interior as they descended. The team then stumbled upon a crossway in the road. Six hallways, each leading into pitch black darkness. Undyne held her light spear towards each entrance, but couldn't see the end of any. One was surely the correct way, while the others must lead to certain doom.

"I know just how to handle this," Undyne said, adrenaline pumping through her veins. With a huff, she sprinted at full speed toward a completely random hallway, no thought put into it whatsoever.

"WAIT!" Papyrus shouted, causing the fish girl to stumble and stop in her tracks before she could go much farther. A trap at the entrance of one hallway had silently been triggered, sending an axe darting across the air and shaving off a strand of red hair from Undyne. Neither of the two had noticed.

Undyne shot the skeleton an annoyed look. "What!? I was fine! I'd have figured it out!" she whined, completely ignorant to her near death.

The skeleton shook his head in disappointment, already forgetting about his fear from just seconds ago. "I KNOW HOW TO SOLVE THIS PUZZLE!" he exclaimed, beaming.

Undyne raised an eyebrow. "Oh really, how's that?" She walked back towards the skeleton to bring him some much needed light.

"NYEH HEH HEH!" As Papyrus laughed, he threw his satchel to the stone floor, dust and sand kicking up into the darkness. The skeleton rummaged loudly through his bag, head first, tossing out countless useless trinkets and tools such as a compass, rope, spaghetti, etc. His bony bum in the air, he let out a muffled "AHA!" and quickly pulled out the magnificent item.

In his finger bones, he held a Temmie. A completely blank staring, dazed looking Temmie. It vibrated very lightly in his hands. Undyne found her eyebrow raising higher than she thought possible. Papyrus, feeling very proud of himself, held the small four legged monster out towards the crossways. The Temmie began to vibrate more and more as Papyrus showed it to each dark hallway entrance until at last the Temmie was practically having a seizure. It vibrated and vibrated, small 'TEM!' noises beeping out of its mouth.

The third hallway on the right. "THIS IS THE WAY!" Papyrus exclaimed, placing the excited Temmie away back into his satchel.

Undyne, although impressed, was still skeptical. "Why would you trust a Temmie of all things? What makes you so sure that's the right way?"

Papyrus had been waiting a long time for this moment. He posed and held out a smart finger in the air, making sure his archaeology hat didn't cover his brilliant face. "A GOOD QUESTION MY DEAR GIRL! DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS WE ARE HERE?"

Undyne shrugged. She just wanted to beat things up or run around or something. She never asked why Papyrus had brought them to this tomb.

"THE ANCIENT TEM ARFITACT! LEGEND TELLS OF IT BURIED HERE!" Papyrus continued. "SOURCES SAY IT'S WORTH A FORTUNE!"

Undyne leaned against her spear. "You mean artifact, don't you?"

"NO! THIS IS A RARE TEM ARFITACT!" Papyrus nodded, clearly very excited. "CREATED BY ANCIENT TEMMIES DURING THE GREAT TEMMIE WAR! THEY SAY THE OWNER OF THIS TOMB WAS A GREAT PHAROH AND LOVED THE TEMMIES! HE COMMISSIONED A PIECE OF ARTWORK FROM THEM. WHEN HE DIED, THEY BURIED IT IN THIS VERY TOMB WITH HIM AND IT'S BEEN LOST EVER SINCE. VERY DEEP LORE!"

The fish yawned. The explanation wasn't exactly detailed or lengthy, but she still somehow had a hard time paying attention to it. "So this way then?"

They traversed their way through the corridors, swerving past every hidden trap with expertise, as well as a boatload of luck. Too many times had Papyrus nearly stepped into a pit lined with spikes, or Undyne just turned her head to avoid a poison arrow darting for her. But for them, the journey was like a walk in the park. If an obstacle like hissing snakes or dead ends stopped them, she'd shower the offending hurdle with her spears and plow on through. Papyrus complained about the mess she made, but Undyne was too busy laughing maniacally as usual.

As they moved deeper, torches flickered and danced along the stone walls. They must have been put up recently, or have been burning for thousands of years. Either way, it was pretty sketch. Hieroglyphics created by ancient Temmie commissions littered the tomb. Many seemed to be pointing to danger, showing dead Temmies with large X's for eyes and legs in the air. Papyrus tried to decipher the rest, using his handy magnifying glass and studying them closely, but found it was mostly gibberish. Something about muscles being not cute, or maybe not having enough money for college, or possibly a horrible blood curse upon all who enter that shall leave death and despair in its wake. Undyne tried her hand at deciphering the text by literally trying her hand at it. Mostly fists. Not much was learned.

An ominous draft blew in through the walkway, causing the flames to twinkle out of existence for but a moment before suddenly springing back to life again. The fish and skeleton had made it to the final chamber of the tomb. Their voices echoed off the tall ceiling, hopping throughout the chamber's walls like a mischievous spirit. Coffins lined the area around the duo, placed upright against the crumbling stone. Papyrus' bones chattered and rattled again in fear, while Undyne's teeth shone in an eager grin.

Past the coffins lay a large set of stairs leading up and up to their treasure. Although it couldn't be seen just yet, it glimmered like a wondrous star in the distance. Knowing the great Tem arfitact was near filled the duo with DETERMINATION.

Undyne took a confident step forward, her boot slamming into the ground loud enough to wake the dead. Which it did. The dusty coffins that surrounded them began to stir and tremble. The hallway where they had previously entered sealed shut with a deafening stone thud. Moans and groans filled the stale air as the coffins began opening up, revealing their contents.

"MUMMIES!" Papyrus shrieked. The living corpses crept ever near, their gauze wrappings covered in soot and dirt. Undyne's nostrils flared, the stench of rotting flesh wafting in. Papyrus made a gagging noise, his nose socket seemingly able to sense it as well. "I TOLD YOU THEY WERE RUDE. THEY HAVEN'T EVEN BATHED!"

"Do you guys have a couple of bucks?" some mummies moaned. "Oh wow, nice outfit," other mummies muttered sarcastically. "Ugh, do you intruders have to be so noisy?" "Why is that fish one sweating so much?" "Let's, like, totally eat them?" "Haha, ew, they don't even look very tasty!"

One of the mummies visibly sneered underneath its bandages. "I bet the fish chick isn't even that strong," and chuckled to itself.

Undyne's eye nearly popped out of her head, looking wild. She stomped into the floor, stone cracking and turning into rubble. She threw a hand dramatically into the air, spears materializing in her hand, veins pulsing through her muscles. _"Is that a challenge?!"_ she roared, her breaths coming out in uneven bursts.

Papyrus' skull began to sweat somehow, and he looked at the mummies with some desperation. "I WOULDN'T SAY YES TO THAT," he pleaded with them, worrying for the creatures' safety now.

The mummies were generally intimidated by the warrior, but they also had to look cool and be rude! Or else what separated them from zombies? Some flimsy bandages? No! That wasn't good enough!

Another mummy coughed on his cigarette, smoking it from the wrong side. "Yeah, it's a challenge, or whatever, I don't care," he mumbled through his coughs.

"NGAAHH!"

Undyne dug her boot into the rubble and dirt before pushing off into a lightning fast leap towards the enemy. The mummies weren't actually even closing in on them anymore, most were trying to smoke or wear their bandages in a more edgy way. Undyne, however, could see only red.

The first mummy was tackled to the floor, a stale thousand-year old puff of dust knocked out of its mouth. Undyne gave a swift punch to the face for good measure before leaping to the next, cackling the entire time. More spears appeared, shooting off to the enemies Undyne wasn't facing, sticking them to walls or outright piercing through them. The mummies weren't killed of course, but they were pretty bummed that their gauze wraps were being ruined.

At this point, the rude monsters found themselves in a fight even if they didn't want it. They attacked, even if it wasn't quite in style. One threw a punch at Undyne, and the fish gladly accepted it, letting the rotting fist smack her square in the jaw. It hurt, but the pain only made her blood pump more, eyes glinting wickedly. In the next moment, she hurled the mummy over her shoulder, nearly hitting her skeletal pal, much to his dismay.

"PLEASE BE A LITTLE MORE CAREFUL WITH THEM," he shouted back, fending off the zombies-just-with-paper-on-them. As one approached, its arms out stretched in an attempt to grab hold of Papyrus, he clonked it over the head with a bone. The mummy fell to the floor, a bump bursting out of its wraps. "I DO HOPE YOU'LL STILL MAKE IT TO THANKSGIVING, KATHRINE, WE MISS YOU. YOU SHOULD CALL YOUR PARENTS MORE!"

Gauze wraps, dust, and sand hovered over the battle like a dark cloud as Undyne leaped from enemy to enemy. Spears rained down from these clouds while the confused mummies ran in circles, screaming frantically. The warrior was battered and bruised, and nearly half covered in gauze herself at this point, but she never tired. Mummies were kicked and punched and prodded, no matter how much they whined and complained.

The final mummy fell to the cracked stone floor, desperately trying to look cool as he did. Undyne stood in the middle of it all, breathing labored, gripping her spear tight. When it was finally over, she threw her hands up into the air and laughed again.

"A BIT OVERKILL, BUT I SUPPOSE THEY KIND OF DESERVED IT," Papyrus noted, wincing. He surveyed the area to find the mummies moaning and groaning still, but mostly because they were sore. None were killed, none were injured TOO bad. "IF ANYONE NEEDS A HUG OR SOME HP, JUST LET ME KNOW AND I'LL HELP!" A mummy raised its hand, and the skeleton gleefully dashed over to it. Plop! Spaghetti. "THAT SHOULD HEAL YOU PLENTY!"

The mummy sighed, and the rest knew better than to ask for any more help or cause unnecessary rudeness. "Thanks," it sighed through marinara.

Undyne's breathing was almost back to normal, a few huffs and puffs here and there, but her stance eased. That's when she noticed one last coffin, still unopened. It was adorned in gold and more bright colors than the rest. _This must be the boss mummy_ , she thought to herself. She had expended too much energy pummeling these weaklings, but surely she'd have enough for whatever was behind this.

The coffin shuddered and wheezed. Papyrus stopped shoveling spaghetti onto mummies for a moment, and he too realized something else was coming. He dashed to Undyne and posed heroically to face the danger, but his chattering bones betrayed him as always.

It opened. Papyrus gasped. Undyne readied herself.

A short and stout skeleton slept inside, wearing a blue sweatshirt and some lazy slippers. A single piece of gauze (or was that toilet paper) wound lazily over his shiny white skull. His eye sockets popped open, and he began walking towards the duo at a slow, slow…. slow… pace. Undyne sighed, upset she wasn't getting another battle.

Papyrus, however, was still fooled somehow. "B-BOSS MUMMY!" he stuttered, and shivered.

"hey, bro," Sans mumbled through a yawn.

Fear was instantly replaced with anger. "SANS!" Papyrus yelled, stamping his foot. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

The skeleton shrugged lazily, his hands in his pockets. "dunno." He pulled them out and pointed his boney fingers at his skull where the single gauze strip lay daintily. "i can't seem to _wrap_ my head around it." He winked. A defeated mummy groaned 'lame' in the background.

"SANS!" Papyrus and Undyne roared in unison. Sans just chuckled, making Papyrus fume all the more.

"DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY INTO THESE ANCIENT RUINS, PRETEND TO BE A MUMMY, AND SLEEP THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN A COFFIN JUST TO MAKE THAT AWFUL JOKE?"

"yes."

And with that, Sans crawled back into his coffin, instantly asleep again. The coffin shut itself. Undyne and Papyrus vowed to ignore that moment, lest they both be thrown into a fit of rage. The arfitact was finally in reach, and no amount of bad or lazy jokes was going to ruin that!

With renewed vigor, the duo sprinted up the steps, adrenaline pumping through their veins and, uh, bones. At the top, the skeleton found himself out of breath, but Undyne was still ready for more, like always. Their treasure glimmered atop a stone pedestal, just in arms reach.

The great Tem arfitact. It was a golden Temmie statue that was encased in a plastic box, the front of it a transparent gloss that showcased the object in the best way possible. It looked exactly like any old Temmie that Undyne had ever seen, but seeming to have been dipped in gold paint as some kind of lurid, expensive-looking finish.

"AT LAST!" Papyrus clambered up to the pedestal, and gingerly took hold of the box in his large, skeleton hands. "THE TEM ARFITACT! IT'S EVEN MORE AMAZING UP-CLOSE!"

"So, um," Undyne pointed at it. "Why's it in a box?"

"OBVIOUSLY TO KEEP IT IN MINT CONDITION! SEE?" He practically shoved the box in Undyne's face, who didn't seem to mind having the object pressed right against her single eye. "IT'S A COLLECTOR'S EDITION TEMMIE! IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE!"

He pointed at the lettering that was printed on nearly every side of the box. And yeah, it clearly did say "Collector's Edition." All in bright, ecstatic letters, with several exclamation marks to prove its point. "Because it's in gold?" Undyne asked.

"THAT IS ONLY ONE OF ITS MANY FEATURES!" Papyrus then hefted up his trusty magnifying glass, and proceeded to peruse the description on the back of the box. Very much needed, as the print was in cramped tiny letters to fit in several dozens of disclaimers. "HMM. IT SAYS THAT IT HAS… A MOUTH DISPENSER FOR THE SUPER DELICIOUS TEMMIE FLAKES, AND ALSO HAS DETACHABLE 'NEKO' EARS? OH! HOW MYSTERIOUS!"

Papyrus squinted his eye sockets, the letters ballooning up in his magnifying glass. "OTHER FEATURES INCLUDE A READY-TO-SETUP ALARM CLOCK, REAL LIFE SQUEEZABLE PAW PADS, AND IS THE KEYSTONE TO A FORBIDDEN RITUAL TO SUMMON A THOUSAND YEARS OF BLOOD AND DARKNESS." He blinked. "NEAT!"

Undyne wondered dimly at the last 'feature' but was still distracted by the Temmie's golden shine and fuzzy ears. She rapped a knuckle at the front of the box. "So, who's gonna buy this thing?"

Papyrus beamed with excitement and held the treasure up high, basking in its glory. "NYEH HEH HEH! WORRY NOT! I HAVE A SOURCE!" The skeleton put the Tem Arfitact underneath his bony arm and walked a few feet to the left. To Undyne's surprise, there was a Temmie store right there! How did she miss that?

The "store" was a bit more like a lemonade stand. The writing was incredibly crude and looked like that of a child's. Behind the counter was, of course, a Temmie staring blankly forward. It had probably been there for years.

"YES, HELLO!" Papyrus greeted, not questioning this weird turn of events one bit. "I'D LIKE TO SELL THE RARE AND VALUABLE TEM ARFITACT! THE COLLECTOR'S EDITION."

At the sight of the golden statue, the Temmie perked up and began sweating and vibrating violently. "Tem! tem aRFitAct! gRAt powr! Dep loRe! i gota have dat arfiTACT!" It spoke in its usual unintelligible gibberish. Undyne could barely make out what was being said in this transaction.

The Temmie pulled out a small pair of glasses and put them on its head. (Not in front of its eyes, Undyne noted.) Underneath its small paw was a check where it began writing one million dollars in its usual chicken-scratch, each digit alternating in size and width, and tiny hearts scribbled here and there. Papyrus nodded thankfully and received his payment while the Temmie vibrated happily. Shouts of "teM! TEM! tem r so cute aaa!" could be heard in intervals.

"ANOTHER WIN FOR ARCHAEOLOGY!" Papyrus shouted, holding out his check with pride.

Undyne shrugged and was just happy she got to beat things up again. "Sweet. Let's go cash it and eat till we explode!" She clenched both her fists, grinning so hard that it seemed her eye was ready to pop. "I'm ready to eat the breakfast of champions!"

Papyrus was nodding eagerly. "OKAY. BUT I'M SURE IT'S DINNERTIME BY NOW?"

"It's breakfast when I say it is!" Undyne punched a nearby wall to emphasize her point. "Hash browns and bacon, and those little sunny-side up eggs. YEAH!"

The result of her punch made the wall crack, until it widened all along the side, rock and dust crumbling in its wake. Papyrus jolted from the phenomenon while Undyne continued to rave about the extreme edge of burnt toast and even more burnt butter. Part of the wall finally collapsed inward, revealing to the adventure duo a glittering mural, more magnificent then all that they had already seen on their journey. It lit up the room as bright as the sun.

"UNDYNE. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU'VE SOLVED THE PUZZLE!" Papyrus was jumping up and down, doing all his best to not squeal in glee.

The fish girl gave a very manly flex of her right arm. "You bet I did!"

Papyrus gazed fondly at the mural, which was fitted with hundreds of multicolored stones. Their surfaces were polished to a blinding point, arrayed in hues of purple, orange, and some random splashes of hot pink. "WHY, IT LOOKS LIKE A MAP."

"A map to more treasure?!" Undyne pushed forward to peer at the giant work of art. "Hurry and read it!"

And so Papyrus, with his most trusty magnifying glass, read the great mural on the wall, inspecting its twisting pathways, transcribing its mysterious secret codes, and braving the numerous pictures of Temmies that assaulted the eyes at every turn. Already another adventure was awaiting them.


	3. Rescue Mission?

**This chapter was written by my girlfriend, Darkhymns.**

* * *

For one to find Undyne, one must learn to _be_ Undyne.

At least, that was what Papyrus said after Undyne had been missing for the past eight hours.

"DO NOT WORRY, ALPHYS! MY CUNNING PLAN TO FIND HER IS ASSURED TO BE A SUCCESS!" While the volume of his voice threatened to crack the tiny speakers of his cellphone, it was no match for the high-pitched wailing that came out of it. "PLEASE ALPHYS. NO NEED TO CRY. I'M ON IT! SERIOUSLY. YOU NEED TO STOP."

After a grueling five minutes, Papyrus settled for placing the phone down on the floor, too guilty to just hang-up. Alphys still kept going in her frantic keening as Papyrus rushed through his house.

"SANS. SANS, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"yo."

Papyrus pulled up short as he came upon his brother, lying on the couch, with several cushions over his face.

"SANS. WE NEED TO GO FIND UNDYNE."

"ok."

"AND WE MUST GO RIGHT NOW."

"ok."

"CAN YOU PLEASE GET UP?"

"ok."

"YOU'RE NOT GETTING UP AT ALL."

Silence, then, "well." Concluded with a lazy shrug.

With a huff, Papyrus grappled his brother by his short arms, dragging him across the floor, then out into the snow. Sans made virtually no reaction to any of this, eye sockets closed and as limp as a wet noodle. His small body imprinted deep into the snow banks, nearly vanishing into it.

"SANS. AS SENTRIES, IT IS OUR UTMOST DUTY TO RESPOND TO CRIES FOR HELP AND JUSTICE. AND ALPHYS WAS CRYING QUITE A LOT OF BOTH JUST NOW-"

"yeah, i can still hear her."

"WHICH IS WHY WE MUST GO AND FIND HER. WHAT IF OUR BELOVED CAPTAIN IS FIGHTING A HUMAN RIGHT NOW? AND NEEDS OUR HELP?"

"she's got it." There was the sound of a yawn, which was weird, because Sans' mouth didn't open in the slightest as he did so. "don't be worrying so much."

"I WOULD NEVER WORRY. I AM JUST CONCERNED. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO."

By this point, Sans was snoring. Rude.

With a grumpy 'NYEH', Papyrus walked off to the shed, then came right back, dragging behind him a sled that was a little worse for wear, but still quite functional – for being just a piece of wood attached by a rope.

"SANS. YOU WILL BE COMING WITH ME WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT."

Being asleep, Sans didn't make any complaints.

Papyrus hefted his brother onto the sled, leaving him in an ungraceful position with his arms akimbo and his jacket ruffled. Even for someone as short as Sans, he was too big for the sled/piece-of-wood contraption. Papyrus didn't see that as much of a problem.

"LET'S GO. NYEH HEH HEH." And like an excitable Husky, Papyrus rushed off, wrapping the rope around his waist like harness so that he could have ample movement in his run. He dashed across the hills of Snowdin, pulling along his lazybones brother, who snored brokenly on the way.

* * *

The sled ride would have been less then comfortable for any person having to travel from snowy Snowdin to watery Waterfall… if that person wasn't Sans. The ride jostled across every rock and sometimes went deep into the marsh waters, but like any of that would make Sans get up or react. He instead remained still through every ordeal, snoring loudly.

At a crossroads where glowing mushrooms thrived, Papyrus finally stopped. "BROTHER! DO YOU HEAR THAT?"

Sans' silence inclined that he didn't.

"I HEAR HER VOICE… IN THE WIND." And then, uncharacteristically, Papyrus quieted down, eye sockets narrowed as he curved his gloved hand by his skull. He waited, and waited, and then…

"… _..nnnnnnggggGGGGGGAAHHH!"_

"OH. THAT'S DEFINITELY HER."

Papyrus went off in a happy skip, occasionally floating and defying gravity like he did sometimes, which made the sled he pulled along nearly crash headlong into some boulders, but either Sans was made of glue, or Papyrus knew what he was doing, because Sans stayed on that sled no matter what. They both went headlong into the darkness, down the hidden pathways where it was said an ancient race of curious creatures lived. Papyrus had only heard of them in legend. Sans had told him earlier that he had run into one such creature just last week. Either way, the creatures were full of mystery.

And Undyne was right in the midst of them all.

"UNDYNE!" Papyrus in utmost glee. "YOU ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE. JUST LIKE I MOSTLY BELIEVED!"

But his brave and wise captain didn't make any notion as to have heard him. She was a little busy with her situation. And looking kinda, um, roughed up, what with her red hair all frazzled, her scales slightly torn, and her mouth upturned in a scary grimace/grin.

There were numerous unconscious Temmies all around her – their x's for eyes indicating that, yes, they were quite knocked out. Truly, these Temmies were quite the most mysterious of monsters.

Undyne, gripping her glowing spear, knocked aside more of the Temmies that had suddenly tore themselves through the darkness, yipping and squealing in utter delight. Some latched onto Undyne's armor-covered body with screams of "so cute!" and "AAAA!" But with a mere bunching up of her fish muscles, the Temmies were thrown off, some to fly away and vibrate into the darkness, while others smashed into the walls, debris exploding all around.

"WOWIE." Papyrus barely noticed one Temmie sail right by his skull to crash into the ground next to him.

Again, Undyne didn't seem to hear him. With her bloodthirsty grin, she walked forward slowly, making a path through all the discarded Temmies (and Bob), her hair majestically blowing in the wind, occasionally suplexing boulders on the way.

Then, she stopped right in front of the Tem shop – also something out of the ancient legend. The shopkeeper blinked one eye, then the other in lazy fashion. Its mouth was just slightly ajar.

"hOI! I'm tem-!"

 _SLAM._

Undyne pierced the Temmie's counter with her spear, cracking it in half. The Temmie looked up at her blankly, unaware to the valuable jars of TEM FLAKES! falling to the ground, spilling out their flaky contents.

"..hOI! I'm-"

" _Where's my money!?"_

"h-hoi!? I-"

Another slam. "You're late on your dues!" Undyne left her spear imbedded in the counter, then summoned forth another one. The glow of her weapon cast lurid shadows on her face, made it seem as if her eyepatch engulfed half of her skull. "And now you're getting charged interest!"

At that, the Temmie's expression instantly changed, going from a blank gaze to a severely tight smile, as if the Temmie was trying to swallow down an instant spout of bile. "Oh, trying to be a tough guy? You think this is a game? I'll pay my dues when you get me the goods, fish breath."

Undyne's sole eye twitched. She clenched her spear, leaning down slowly toward the Temmie. "You wanna go? Is that it?" Her breath hitched in excitement. "That sounds like what you're asking me."

The Temmie never changed expression, but it did seem to shake very, very slightly, the friction making a hum in the air. "Unlike a certain someone, I'm trying to pursue my intellectual pursuits instead of benchpressing my brain away. So, maybe run along and get me my dog residues, then we can talk payment. Unless you think you can take me."

Undyne grinned so hard that her fangs nearly cracked from the pressure. _"Is that a challenge?!"_

The Temmei said nothing, merely staring Undyne down, and vibrating even more intensely.

Papyrus saw this as the perfect time to run up to them both. "UNDYNE. THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS HERE TO RESCUE YOU!" Behind him came the clatter of the sled.

Her body taut and her nerves on haywire, Undyne screeched and shot out spears all around her at Papyrus' shout. The skeleton obliviously kept running towards her, heedless to the spears that were raining all around him. A few nicked his flowing red cape, as well as the rope that was tied around his waist, but that was all.

The Temmie turned towards him, expression shifting back to its usual excitable state. "bones! bones r cutE!"

And then Undyne's maniacal fervor dulled away at the sight of her friend's face. "Hey! Why aren't you at your station?" She looked behind him to Sans. "And why isn't _he_ at his station?"

"OH. WE WERE ON A RESCUE MISSION. TO RESCUE YOU. ALPHYS WAS WORRIED."

From bloodlust, to annoyance, to sincere worry; Undyne's face was a land full of transformation. "Alphys? I only told her I'd be gone for a bit! I just had some…" She looked around at the field full of knocked-out Temmies. "… _business_ to attend to."

"THAT SOUNDS FUN. CAN I HELP?"

Undyne blinked. She spared a glance toward the Temmie shopkeeper, and through its gaze, from one narrowed fish-eye to a pair of blank, unblinking dots, an agreement had been made.

"Nah, I'm done here now." She grinned again. "Anyway, it's time for our extra-super cool, extra-intense, one-on-one training. We're going to be practicing with real power today!"

Papyrus gasped loudly, then clapped his gloved hands. "DOES THAT MEAN I CAN FINALLY GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL?"

"You bet!" Undyne punched the air. "It's ravioli day!"

"I AM SO EXCITED!"

Just like that, both screaming fish and skeleton ran off back into the darkness of Waterfall, leaving the fabled Temmie village, though not before Undyne turned back to the shopkeeper, slicing a finger across her neck in a meaningful gesture.

Soon, there was no one left conscious in the village full of Temmies besides the shopkeeper… and one other.

Temmie vibrated their way to the skeleton on his sled, having been left behind. "Do you have it?"

Sans opened one eye-socket. "hey, what's up? you look a little…" A snicker. "shaken."

Temmie vibrated even more, until it was almost a blur, ready to fade right out of reality.

"okay, okay, here you go." He pulled out one hand from his hoodie pocket, full of... crystals? Dog-shaped husks? Shiny goo? Jigsaw puzzles? Dirty dishes? Its form wasn't confined to this realm, shifting appearances at every turn through every dimension. A truly mysterious artifact, for the mysterious village of the Tems.

"You've done well, Sans," the shopkeeper intoned, taking the gift with the utmost solemnity. "If only your boss could show the same talent."

"hey, undyne's cool. she just doesn't like being people holding out on her."

"Are you implying something?"

"me? naaaaah." Sans still had his hand out.

Temmie gave him a bundle of fresh water sausages. "Keep up the good work."

"k, thanks." Then an audible _-click-,_ a wave of darkness, and he was gone.

Alone, finally, the shopkeeper ate the dog residue. "it good and cute!" Then it vibrated away up to the high, cavernous ceilings… of _mystery._


	4. Capture That Human?

Rippling static.

"BOY WHAT AN ADVENTURE! ALL THIS GOLD IS SURE HARD TO CARRY," Papyrus yelled, his voice seemed almost distant. Faint. "I SURE COULD GO FOR SOME SPAGHETTI!"

Undyne smiled a bright and happy smile. "Yes, it sure is great! I will punch that spaghetti, haha!" She laughed cheerily while punching a Temmie in the face over and over. The Temmie's face let out tiny squeaks at each blow, but it didn't seem to mind. She also sounded strangely quiet and far away.

"OH, UNDYNE, YOU KIDD-." Static. A pounding sound exploded over the characters' voices.

"Haha, punching things sure is funny! Geez! Wow!" Undyne laughed, kicking a wall down. "I hope we get t-."

Static. Pound. Pound. Pound. POUND.

Darkness.

* * *

"Is this crap the best you two could come up with?" Mettaton's robotic voice screeched. His hands were curled into fists, punching the square TV over and over and over. Normally, Mettaton would never deface an object that even looked like him, let alone his own brand of Mettaton TV, but this was a special occasion. Even without a face, Mettaton's rage was extremely well known. His box shape pulsated with pure anger.

Regular viewers of Mettaton on his show would not have recognized him right now (Personality-wise. His physical body was still very recognizable). His usual endearing, fan-loving tone was now replaced with a static-like rage, making the speakers of his robot body sizzle and pop. The lights of his face blinked erratically, lighting up the grand couches and large portraits of himself in his opulent office.

Papyrus, one such regular viewer of Mettaton's show, was certainly not recognizing his star idol. The skeleton shifted in his chair across from the TV, flinching at each punch. "W-WELL I AT LEAST THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AT THE TIME FOR JUST A LIGHT HEARTED STORY!"

The TV's beating ended abruptly. Mettaton turned his square body to face the two in question for this atrocity. "I'm surprised a thought has ever made it through your thick skull!" the robot screeched, pointing a finger directly at the timid skeleton. Papyrus whimpered. "Why can't you losers ever write a proper ending to these things?"

Undyne, who had never cared for Mettaton's show to begin with, sighed and crossed one leg over the other casually. "Come on, Mettaton. It's fine, don't lose it over this." Her arm dangled behind the chair as she lounged lazily.

A bright red skull and cross bones animated itself over Mettaton's body. Gears grinded and steam hissed out of his seams. "It's fine?" The robot clenched his usually delicate gloved hands. "FINE? Do you know how much money the two of you spent on that atrocious Egypt set?"

Papyrus shivered, unable to keep eye contact anymore. Undyne simply let out a light groan of annoyance. "I dunno. Couple thousand or something?" She shrugged.

Mettaton was silent for a moment. His entire body went limp and his lights flickered out. Seconds later, his body lit up again with red. "Sorry! That answer was so stupid, it actually caused my system to reboot!" he screeched sarcastically. "No, your episode did not cost a 'couple thousand,' Undyne." His fingers air quoted as angrily as they could. "It cost me _THREE MILLION."_

The skeleton's teeth were chattering. Undyne didn't seem to be phased one bit. "So we went a little over budget. I'm sure we got plenty of viewers out of it." She looked at the rage filled robot with skepticism and raised an eyebrow. "Don't you think you're being a little over-dramatic?"

A lightbulb exploded from Mettaton's chest and blew sparks across the office. Papyrus shielded himself from the shards of glass. Undyne took a cut to the face, but didn't flinch. "You wouldn't know drama if it screwed you in the-!"

Papyrus finally found the courage to speak up. "M-METTATON SIR. YOUR LANGUAGE…"

" _Shut up."_ Mettaton pointed his attention back at the skeleton, giving him his best robot finger. "Your little show is hemorrhaging viewers! It was bad from the start, but now it's non-existent!"

"M-MAYBE IT'S ONE OF THOSE SO-BAD-IT'S-GOOD KINDA THINGS?" Papyrus stammered.

"Not even that! No one cares about this show! You've got two viewers, and that's probably just people that left their TV on!"

Undyne blew a stray strand out hair out of her eye. "So, what? Are we fired then?"

The robot returned his eyeless gaze away from Papyrus and back to his main source of anger. Papyrus let out a sigh of relief to be out of the range of fire. "Oh, you'd be so lucky!" Mettaton changed emotions as if by the flip of a switch. His tone was suddenly very jolly as he wagged a finger at them, as if they had just knocked an inexpensive plate over. "The ratings you cost me, no, I can't just fire you at this point." He even let out a little laugh. "No, if I don't get the ratings back, I'll just make the two of you _disappear_."

Undyne quickly planted her feet on the floor, spear in hand. "Do you really think we're just gonna let you kill us?" Her fangs glimmered in a scowl.

Another finger wagging. A heart shape animated itself over Mettaton's body, although one of the red bulbs was still broken and fizzing. "Of course not, my darlings, I won't be doing anything so hasty yet." The heart animation shattered into two and the robot's voice became threatening. _"Unless you screw-ups mess this up again."_ The heart pieced itself back together, as well as Mettaton's demeanor. "I have a proposition for you!" he sang.

Undyne wasn't about to be intimidated by a box, even if her partner was paralyzed with fear. "What do you want?" she asked bluntly.

The robot rolled on his wheel and lifted up his index finger charismatically. "Simple! You'll get the ratings back by capturing a human on camera! Imagine the drama, the action!" A spotlight found its way to land on the machine, and his hands seemed to trail sparkles through the air.

Crossing her arms across her chest, Undyne raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "If it's so simple, why don't you do it?"

A golden star shone brightly on the square robot. "Oh, my, because I'll be doing our most important show of the week! The Mettaton Times Viewer show!" Mettaton scratched the top right corner of his 'head' and thought aloud. "If only I could get your brother to star on that…" He appeared to be lost in thought while looking directly at a confused Papyrus.

Undyne scrunched up her face in a cringe. " _That_ garbage? That's what people want to see?"

"For once, I agree with you. It is hot garbage. But the ratings don't lie, and I'm nothing if not a slave to my dear, dear audience!" Mettaton threw his hands up in a mock faint, resting his large body onto his wooden office desk. After a dramatic pause, the robot was back on his wheel. "But enough distractions! Get me that human!"

* * *

Snow fluttered down lazily through the sky, covering the trees in a soft white coat. A brown dirt road cut through the cold fluff leading up to a cozy little village aptly named 'Snowdin,' as was written on the sign before it. Small feet crunched through the snow and the dirt towards the warm lights.

Some distance away, a fish and a skeleton schemed. Papyrus rested his boney behind on a rather large rock, snow gathering atop his skull and broad shoulders. For once, he seemed quite unsure of himself. He gazed absentmindedly at a cliffs edge, wondering if the answers he searched for might lay down in their forest-filled chasms. "I DON'T THINK I QUITE UNDERSTAND, UNDYNE. WE'RE TO LOOK FOR A HUMAN RIGHT?"

The fish in question kept her arms folded over her armored chest, resting her shoulder against a tree trunk and avoiding the cold snow. Her eyebrows were furrowed in a usual perpetual state of grump. "I guess so," she grumbled.

But that wasn't the part that bothered Papyrus. He scratched his skull, snow flittering off to the ground. "BUT WEREN'T WE JUST SURROUNDED BY HUMANS BEFORE IN THE FIR-"

"No." Undyne cut him off, keeping her eyes trained forward.

"I MEAN EVEN IF IT WAS A TV SHOW-"

"Don't worry about that!" Undyne growled. She wasn't annoyed at Papyrus, more at the circumstances. "What we need to worry about is finding a human. Mettaton has cameras all over the Underground. If we can find and capture a human, it'll be recorded and we'll be in the clear." The fish kicked at the snow lightly. "But where? What are the odds of a human showing up down here?"

Papyrus squinted his eye sockets and stared down the road away from town. Two short figures stood in the distance. He held a boney hand over the sockets to try and get a better view of it. Brown hair, peach skin, striped shirt and mysteriously vague facial expression? "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?"

Undyne nearly lost her balance, waving her arms around in an attempt to regain it. "No way! Already?" Her boots slammed and crunched the snow as she ran out from under the tree. "Who else is that with it?" It being their target prey. It was better to not let this capture be personal, they had decided. "Is that… Sans?"

"DOING HIS JOB?" Papyrus seemed more shocked about the latter than of a human appearing just when they needed one.

The duo felt a newfound invigoration and sprinted down the path, but making sure to stay out of sight. They didn't want to ruin a possible human capture. Papyrus and Undyne found a suitably large bush and the two of them slid hastily behind it in a not-so-good attempt at stealth. Without a word, they looked to each other and nodded. They'd let Sans take the glory on this one but help him when he needed it. For now, it was time to watch.

The human stood still now, its blank stare gazing directly into Sans' blank eye sockets. The shorter skeleton said nothing. Showed nothing. His hands in his pockets, his grin still wide - one almost wondered if he was just a statue. Sans blocked the path however, and the human seemed reluctant to trudge through the wet snow. The human appeared ready to finally walk by when Sans' eye sockets came to life.

The light from Sans' eyes pierced through the humans very soul. Studying it or maybe even devouring it. "it's a beautiful day outside," he said suddenly, cutting through the silence like a knife. "birds are singing." The birds chirped in the trees around them for a brief moment. "flowers are blooming." A few red flowers shook snow off their petals and bloomed by the road. "on days like these, kids like you…"

Silence. The human tensed. The snow stopped falling.

In lighting fast motion, Sans threw out his hand and stepped to the side. "should walk right on by. hey how you doin." Snow resumed falling and birds resumed chirping.

Papyrus and Undyne both fumed in anger together, although for once, it seemed as if it was Papyrus was the one most consumed with rage. "SANS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he roared from the bush.

Sans kept his hand held out but stared over at the raving squirming bush. His grin never left, never moved, yet it seemed to widen. "don't you _snow_? i'm greeting the human."

Undyne popped her scaly head out of the bush, snowy leaves and twigs tangled in her red hair. "You're supposed to be on guard duty!"

The shorter skeleton shrugged. "i'm on break." The human in question was now pointing its blank stare towards the hollering.

If Papyrus had any blood, it would be boiling right now. He, too, popped out of their ingenious hiding position and stomped his boot into the snow. "SANS, THIS ISN'T THE TIME! OUR LIVES DEPEND ON CAPTURING THIS HUMAN!"

 _Another_ shrug. "eh," was the only sound Sans managed to make, as if he had exerted all his energy. Then with no warning, the skeleton fwumped into the snow on his back, almost assuredly asleep. The human stood on its tippy toes on the dirt path, searching where Sans had fallen. The skeleton seemed to have vanished without a trace, as if he was never there.

The stress of the situation finally kicked in and Papyrus exploded. He ripped two bones directly from his rib cage and tossed them in the snow in a fit of fury. He wailed to the heavens, his words incomprehensible, sounding something more akin to, _"NYYYEEEEEEHHHHHHH!"_

Undyne had never seen Papyrus this mad. In fact, she didn't even think _she_ had ever been this mad. She awkwardly held out her gauntlet and very lightly tapped his bony shoulders. Even with all this armor, and his lack of skin, she still winced at this almost gentle touch. "There uh… there. I mean, I could just go nab the human right now if y-"

"NO!" Papyrus shouted, facing Undyne a little too close. "WE MUST CAPTURE THE HUMAN WITH FINESSE! STYLE! GRACE! PUZZLES! ETC." His eyes twinkled with what seemed like inspiration, maybe some tears, too.

She smiled sheepishly at her pal. Undyne didn't have the heart to say no after seeing Papyrus break down like this. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Sure. You got a plan?"

The human viewed this entire ordeal. Its head tilted to the side as it watched the strange monsters. Without a second thought, it decided this didn't matter, and continued down the path.

* * *

Droplets of water trickled down the smooth stone surface of the cave. They fell gently atop the lakes that littered the interior, the sounds reverberating across the marshes. A gloomy dark blanketed the cave known as Waterfall, lit only by the faint glow of fireflies and echo flowers. The yellow of the fireflies and the blue of the flowers melded together in a beautiful show of lights all across the cave's plentiful lakes and stone walls. _Plip plop_ the echo flowers chanted rhythmically, repeating the droplets of water, as well as the plentiful waterfalls themselves.

A small path had formed between the lakes, either naturally or handmade. The human couldn't tell and more than likely didn't care either way. It stopped every so often to check behind a tuft of grass, or splash a bit of water childishly in the lakes, its reflection becoming distorted and strange as it did so. Quite a few times now, the human noted the bridge was out or under construction, hindering its path. The only way to cross was to use a set number of bridge flowers in just the right way so it could continue its journey. If the human didn't know any better, (and it probably didn't) it might've thought that someone was setting up these trials for it personally.

In fact, there had been more than a few guards blocking the way, too. Most of them came in pairs, and seemed to always be either tall and boney, or wet and scaly. They looked mostly the same, but sometimes had mustaches glued to their skulls or scales or wore very inconspicuous 10-gallon top hats. Usually these guards didn't stop the human for money or anything like that. Just questions. The fishy guards were not usually very enthusiastic and only asked simple things like "What's two plus two?" or "What color is that rock or whatever?"

The tall boney guards were the complete opposite however.

"FIVE FOXES, THREE CHICKS, AND FOUR HORSES NEED TO CROSS A RIVER AND YOU CAN ONLY FIT TWO ON THE BOAT AT A TIME. IF THE FOX AND THE CHICK ARE TOGETHER THE FOX WILL EAT THE CHICK-" and so on. The human answered their questions correctly each time, much to their dismay.

Little did it know, (or maybe it just didn't care?) but the human was being watched throughout its entire journey.

Beneath the water's shimmering surface, a skeleton and a fish women schemed. Echo flowers did not seem hindered by the water and their soothing glow kept the otherwise dark waters lit just enough for the duo to converse. Undyne's flaming red hair floated up while her heavy armor kept her grounded. Papyrus' cape mimicked the hair as it rippled in the watery lake, his bony hand on his chin in deep thought as he pondered their next move.

"You sure this will work?" Undyne said, bubbles blowing out of her mouth for each word.

His laugh was distorted by the water. "NYEH HEH HEH! OF COURSE! A HUMAN WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RESIST ANOTHER HUMAN!" Papyrus poked his head out of the lake's surface, water spilling out of his hollow skull as he did.

Along the road lay a devious trap. A dummy human stood watch by its lonesome. The dummy had all the effects humans knew and love. A striped shirt donated generously by one of the monster kids here in Waterfall. A pair of red shorts (a little too short, but they would do) straight from Papyrus' dresser drawer. Atop its straw-filled body, a fuzzy dog head poked out through the shirt. It panted and yipped excitedly, tongue lolling, its body fit snugly between the straw and fabric. On top of _its_ head was a "Cool Dude" baseball cap, to make sure the human couldn't possibly pass it up.

Undyne was still pretty skeptical and found that her patience was beginning to wear thin. "Now I can sorta understand the dog-in-the-head, I guess, but are you absolutely sure those huge ram horns needed to be glued onto the hat? I've never seen a human with big horns like that."

Papyrus' eyes bulged as if his very soul had been spit on. He quickly returned back to the bubbly water to assure his fishy partner. "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN AN _ADULT_ HUMAN LIKE I HAVE! ONCE A HUMAN EMERGES FROM ITS COCOON, ITS FUR ONTOP OF ITS HEAD SPREADS ACROSS ITS BODY! THE HORNS YOU SEE THERE ARE MEANT FOR ATTRACING MATES. IT'S ALL ONLINE ON THIS SITE SANS TOLD ME ABOUT."

Bubbles released around Undyne's nostrils like small underwater volcanos. A few stray fish swam away in fear. "Okay, I guess, but there's no way the human will fall for that dog's face."

"NYEH HEH!" Papyrus was waiting for this! Water swirled around him as he swam back up to the surface, motioning Undyne to follow him. The dog turned its face to them instead of the path as it was meant to. "DOG!" Papyrus called out. The animal yipped and yapped as it heard its name called, panting and drooling every which way. "DO YOUR BEST HUMAN IMPRESSION!"

The dog went still as a statue, and then, "-_-"

"GOOD BOY! YOU'LL GET A BIG JUICY BONE IF YOU STAY LIKE THAT!"

Grinning, Undyne felt a swell of pride in her chest. "Nice. That might actually work."

There was a scuffling in the distance. Tall grass was ruffled and echo flowers mimicked footsteps over the water drops for a brief time. "THE HUMAN! HIDE!" Papyrus whisper-yelled. The two dove underwater again, but kept their eyes out so as to watch the trap unfold.

Meandering at a lazy pace, the human wandered down the path before it. When the human dummy came to view, it stopped for a moment. Though it's face conveyed no interest or emotion, it seemed to head straight for the trap. The human stepped onto a rather large net placed beneath it and the human dummy.

The dog stared.

The human stared.

"-_-"

The silence was excruciating. Papyrus found himself sweating even while submerged in water. Undyne grinded her sharp teeth together.

Suddenly the human moved and began patting the dog on its head, petting behind the ears. The dog head remained still, never breaking character. It was at that moment that the human noticed what was around the dummy. A plate of spaghetti lay on the cavern floor, cushioned only by the subtle net beneath it. Next to that was a big red button with a sign over it that read, "FOR MORE HUMAN FOOD, PLEASE PRESS HERE!"

Stare.

Stare.

 _Stare._

Undyne grimaced. It stared at the spaghetti, it stared at the button, it stared at the dummy. Why was it just staring? How much time had passed? Minutes? Hours? DAYS? She had been patient for so long in all of this! So many puzzles, so many costumes, so many traps! Now the human merely stood there. And a human child no less? Surely she should just end it here. Stop the madness, just grab it!

She couldn't take it any longer.

"NGAAAAAAH!" she bubbled. As if an underwater mine had gone off, Undyne exploded out of the lake. Her black armor glistened menacingly, water logged from before, but she refused to let it slow her down one bit.

"UNDYNE, WAIT NO!" Papyrus clambered clumsily after her, giving chase.

The human didn't seem to mind. It stared at its upcoming aggressors. The stare only enraged Undyne, speeding up her sprint. Papyrus was close behind. Within seconds, the duo was practically on the human. Undyne leaped at it, and Papyrus leaped after her. The fish warrior's eye shone bright, her sharp teeth splayed in a wild howling grin.

In a completely unpredicted show of agility, the human merely stepped to the side, its feet now off the net.

"Eh?" Undyne groaned, face planting directly into the net herself. Papyrus soon followed, his bony body slamming into hers. Before the two could reposition themselves, the human pressed its palm against the button.

There was a snapping noise and the net enveloped them all, excluding the human. Spaghetti splattered into Undyne's hair, a dog's nose pushed itself up against Papyrus' skull and licked it gleefully, forgetting its orders completely now. The two were held up a few feet off the ground, tangled in their own mess of bodies, spaghetti, bones, and straw.

The human stared up at the net of writhing bodies. Stare. Stare. Was it unimpressed? Judging them? _Judging her?!_ Did this human think it was better than she was? None of this was her plan! This wasn't even her full power! Who was this human to think it had bested her? She would show it!

" _NGAAAAAAAAAAH!"_ Glowing green spears materialized all around the net, violently stabbing and cutting the ropes apart. Bones rattled and armor clanked as they fell to the dirt, freed from their own trap. "We've tried it your way, Papyrus! Now we try it _my_ way!"

Her hands curled into fists, she pushed herself off the ground in one quick motion, spaghetti and dirt whipping off her hair. Her armor, which had once such a clean sheen before, was now hardened and bloody with pasta sauce. Undyne's boots pressed against the dirt as she dashed towards the human, leaving Papyrus to stew in his own failure.

She had only been caught off guard before. How could she have expected the little brat to have any skills? But now, without any traps, it should be no problem. She leaped forward again, gauntlets outstretched, lips curled in a crazy smile for an assured defeat on her opponent's part.

Yet, just at the last second yet again, the human dodged to the side. Undyne planned for it this time! She made sure to land on her fe-

Bonk.

Undyne froze in place. A stick lightly tapped her forehead where the human had struck gently. She looked into its eyes and it stared. Stared again! Was it toying with her? She couldn't believe this! Insulted again! A vein popped over her head and an eyelid twitched. Mettaton said nothing about needing this brat alive!

" _NGAAAAAAAHHHH!"_

Echo flowers from all around Waterfall began repeating the same thing now. Undyne's war cry had a domino-like effect on them, scaring monsters back into their homes and holes alike all throughout waterfall. Undyne went completely berserk. She stabbed at the human with lighting fast motions, her magical spears shot at it in all directions. Not a single attack hit. It jumped, it dodged, it even did a twirl - all the while bonking Undyne lightly with a stick each time.

Undyne found herself stunned yet again. The human stared, not making a move unless she did. She wasn't supposed to think about her next move! Uhh, what should she do now…?

A shove came behind as a bony body asserted himself into the situation. "NYEH HEH HEH! IT'S THE GREAT PAPYRUS' TURN NOW! WHERE YOU COULDN'T CAPTURE THE HUMAN, _I_ WILL!" Clearly the skeleton was still sore about Undyne wrecking his ingenious puzzle before. "PREPARE YOURSELF, FOR I WON'T BE SO PREDICTABLE!" he shouted sassily.

With a snap of his fingers, bones appeared in his hands. He tossed them at the human and the bones shot forward like boomerangs. The human, of, course dodged it easily. Papyrus did not find this disheartening though. Another snap and the bones he threw changed their directory and came back for the human again. There was no way the human saw this coming!

Without even looking back, the human jumped to the side, letting the bones whir by.

"WHAT!" Papyrus exclaimed before taking his own bone attack right in the skull. He rubbed the sore spot, but wasn't ready to give up already! He heard Undyne snicker, and grinded his huge teeth together in frustration.

Papyrus just had to get in the human's mind! Of course! "PLEASE HUMAN, MAKE SURE YOU DODGE THIS NEXT!" he shouted, tossing larger blue bone at his target. "NYEH!"

The human stood perfectly still. The blue bone dissolved around its body, not even causing a scrape. "HOW DID YOU KN-"

Bonk.

Eyes bulging, the skeleton too felt the shame of that stick. Feeling a tantrum coming on, Papyrus swiped a large bone at the child. It, of course, jumped over it with ease and bonked Papyrus again. Undyne chuckled more at this.

"N-NYEH! I WILL CAPTURE YOU!" he shouted, sweat forming around his skull. "MY FRIEND'S LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!"

At that, Undyne's smirk was replaced with a contemplative scowl.

Bones shot down from the ceiling, they shot out from the ground, and they shot out directly from Papyrus. The human jumped and dodged like always, bonking the skeleton all the way. He was beginning to feel flustered and ashamed now.

Undyne laughed no more once she realized the seriousness of the situation. "It can't stand up to the both of us, Papyrus! Come on!"

Of course! Why did he try doing this on his own? Being angry over one little mistake? That's not what friends do! Together, they could capture this human with the power of friendship! Papyrus felt invigorated as Undyne readied herself next to him.

The battle began anew, and Undyne kept herself in close quarters to the human, slicing and slashing away. Meanwhile, Papyrus tossed bones on any side left open after Undyne's attacks. The two of them seemed to read each other's minds. Green and white flooded the arena, bones splashing into water, spears shattering into stone, all the while the human just narrowly avoiding each attack.

They would not give up though! Each bonk only made their attacks fly harder and faster! Undyne flowed like water around the human while Papyrus, well… he moved like a skeleton throwing a lot of bones! It was helpful!

For but a brief moment, Papyrus and Undyne locked eyes and each knew what to do. The human was now between both of them. Undyne tossed her light spear at full force and Papyrus lobbed his bone directly at the human with all of his might. It dodged, easily, as expected.

Then the duo grinned and caught each other's projectile. Without another second to spare, Undyne shot her bone while Papyrus shot his spear! The human seemed thrown off by this.

The spear grazed its cheek and the bone knocked the stick out of its hand. "OOOOOH YEAH!" They cheered in unison, rushing over to each other for a celebratory high five. They did it! They grazed the human!

"I THINK WE CAN REALLY DO TH-"

 _BONK._

Before their palms could meet in that sweet high five, the human had appeared again, facial expression no different from before. It hadn't waited for them to attack. Before either could even fathom what had just happened, Undyne was already skidding into the dirt while Papyrus' bones strewn about on top of her armor yet again.

And just like that, their energy slipped away from them. Undyne's head pounded and her legs were as weak as jelly. Meanwhile, Papyrus had transformed into a useless bag of bones, his skull completely detached. It wasn't a killing blow for either, but it certainly knocked the daylights out of them.

Apparently, the human hadn't even been trying before this point.

Undyne's world spun around her in a blur. She had just enough focus to know the human was coming closer to them. She growled, and then braced for the final blow.

 _Pat pat._

The human patted both of its attackers on their heads and sauntered off down the path, towards whatever its destination was. It had been a strange yet extremely gentle touch. Papyrus was already out cold, but Undyne felt her consciousness slipping away too. She hadn't realized just how tired she was…

* * *

"Wakey wakey!" an electric voice screeched into their ears. "I've noticed you two failed your mission 100 percent!" He spoke in a sickeningly jolly tone.

 _Just kill us now,_ Undyne groaned to herself, feeling Papyrus' bones stirring as well. The two were in no shape to take on Mettaton now, but were they ever? If they couldn't even take on a human child what chance did they have against this killer robot?

Mettaton's lights darkened for a moment. The two were ignoring him. He didn't like to be ignored. "Wake up." His single wheel kicked into Undyne's stomach, penetrating the now incredibly damaged armor.

"Yeah yeah," she groaned, refusing to give Mettaton the pleasure of showing any pain from his low blow. Her body was battered and bruised, but it was nothing she wasn't used to already. She began the process of putting Papyrus back together who thanked her graciously for the help. Mettaton waited patiently, his wheel going back and forth lightly, leaving lines in the dirt. "So you gonna kill us, then?" Undyne asked once the two were standing weakly at their feet.

A heart animated itself over Mettaton's box body and that horribly fake happy tone was back. It made Undyne wince. "Heavens, no!" He paused. "Well, I was! But…"

"BUT OUR TALE OF TRIALS AND FRIENDSHIP WON THE AUDIENCE'S HEARTS?" Papyrus interrupted, full of hopes and dreams.

Gears grinded again inside that metal box, but Mettaton didn't lose control this time. "No. You two actually lost your only two viewers with this stunt. And seriously? Your special final attack was just her throwing a bone and you throwing a spear?" He actually let out a hearty screeching laugh. "That was terrible!"

The two grumbled to themselves muttering things like "I thought it was pretty cool" under their breaths.

Mettaton almost forgot why he was here in the first place. "Ah, but, please let me get to the point! Your show was an absolute flop and your attempt at capturing a human was cringe worthy at best, _but_!" He held out a finger for dramatic emphasis. "I've got the perfect replacements for you two! Just in the nick of time!" Mettaton moved his wheel with style and grace, pulling a camera out of a compartment from who knows where.

He aimed it directly at his new stars standing to the side. A short skeleton and a tall goat female. Papyrus squinted his eye sockets. "SANS? IS THAT YOU? AND YOU'RE WITH ASGORE'S CLONE?"

"ye."

Mettaton suddenly had a dainty cloth in his hands, rubbing his boxy body as if sweat were dripping down him. "Look at those two! They're naturals! Comedy and romance all put together!"

"hey, tori."

"Yes, Sans?"

 _Pfffffffrbbt._ Sans squeezed the whoopee cushion in his hand. "heh."

Mettaton's lights blew up and his circuits beeped and booped. "Another thousand viewers! They're geniuses!"

Papyrus fumed. "THAT WASN'T EVEN A JOKE. HE JUST MADE A FART NOISE!" He heard a few stray giggles coming from his side and was horrified to see his partner actually laughing at it.

"What? It _was_ pretty funny!" Undyne stifled some of her chuckles, attempting desperately to turn them into coughs instead.

The goat lady also giggled to herself. With a gentle motion, she picked Sans up and began kissing at his non-existent lips. Sans, of course, just kept his boney grin on the entire time, considering he could do nothing else.

"Look at the way they pathetically try to find romance with each other!" Mettaton almost cried actual tears as his viewers skyrocketed to the millions. "Don't you just want to hug and kiss them yourselves?!"

His boxy body turned back to Undyne and Papyrus, but he kept the camera on the stars the entire time. "Oh, by the way, you're both fired. I'd probably be a lot angrier, but your brother here," he pointed at the grumpy Papyrus. "He agreed to take over my horrible garbage show! It'll be Sans Times Viewer now!"

Undyne nearly gagged. Papyrus cringed.

"It's such a weight off my shoulders to not do that one anymore," Mettaton sighed robotically. "I mean, there's nothing I love more than pandering to my lovely viewers, but it was such hot garbage, even for me! So horrible and degrading! Still not worse than you two though. I'm honestly surprised that Sans agreed to it, although I don't think he's taking it the least bit seriously and…" The robot was just talking to himself at this point.

Papyrus and Undyne strolled off in the opposite direction, away from all the bright lights and the kissing. The fishy woman stretched her arms out with a few satisfying cracks and let out a yawn. "Well, that was fun. Did we learn anything from this whole thing, Paps?"

Papyrus took a deep breath, his rib cage rattling with fatigue.

"I'VE LEARNED WE REALLY DO NEED TO WORK ON OUR ENDINGS."


	5. Monster Heaven?

**One of my way dumber ideas.**

 **Takes place after Refusal to Mourn by Darkhymns, official canon, very official.**

 **Written with some help from Darkhymns. Can find a link to her in the reviews here.**

* * *

Fluffy white clouds sprawled out endlessly in all directions. A light blue painted itself in the skies above. A warm feeling wrapped around Undyne's scales, comforting her very soul it felt like. The air was the perfect cool temperature and the breeze felt so delightful.

"UNDYNE! YOU FINALLY MADE IT!" Papyrus shouted from across the way, dashing over to his best pal with an incredible speed.

The fishy woman was a bit surprised and taken aback. "I … made what? What's going on?" she asked, feeling confused, but not anxious.

"YOU DIED!" Papyrus grinned cheerfully. "YOU'RE IN MONSTER HEAVEN NOW! IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU!"

"What," Undyne replied, not quite sure if she was hearing right.

"YEAH, REMEMBER? THAT HUMAN FELLA," Papyrus made a motion showing the human's small height and stabby nature. "SORT OF WENT AROUND KILLING EVERYONE. KILLED ME, BUT THEN YOU KILLED THEM?"

Undyne's eye went wide. She understood, but it was difficult to comprehend.

"YEAH, AND THEN YOU WENT THROUGH THAT REALLY DEEP EMOTIONAL TURMOIL AND HELD THE HUMAN SOUL IN AND YOU KEPT TALKING TO THAT SCARF OF MINE AND-"

She held out a palm to slow him down. "Yes, yes! I remember, geez!" she huffed. Undyne gazed toward at her skeletal pal, noticed his scarf was back and in peak condition. He noticed her noticing him and proceeded to pose heroically for her. "So, does that mean you really were talking with me, Papyrus?" Undyne asked, a smile creeping across her face.

Papyrus grinned a goofy grin and held a thumbs up out to her. "NOT AT ALL! THAT WAS TOTALLY IN YOUR HEAD! BUT I REALLY APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT MY DEATH DROVE YOU SLIGHTLY INSANE!"

Undyne winced. Whoops. Guess that made a lot of sense. She took the time to look around again, noticing all of the monsters killed previously and many more were wandering about. Undyne seemed to be at a sort of hub world for heaven, with streets paved with clouds, buildings formed with clouds, street lamps made of clouds… etc. Heaven really loved its clouds.

During her scan of this fluffy eternal bliss dimension, the fishy woman's eye found itself at Papyrus' skull. She didn't notice it before, but there was a bright yellow halo above him, shining bright and almost heroically? She reached up above her own head, but felt no halo of her own. In fact, none of the other monsters in here had a halo!

"Papyrus, why are you the only one with a halo?" she asked, wondering if maybe he had just lived a better life than everyone else.

"BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE TO DRESS UP FOR THE THEMES!" He replied bluntly, striking another pose. "I'M QUITE UPSET THAT NOT MANY IN HEAVEN ARE DRESSING FOR THE PART, ACTUALLY. ALTHOUGH, THE WINGS ARE A BIT MUCH, SO I DIDN'T GO FOR THOSE, BUT I MEAN-"

Undyne had stopped listening halfway through. "So uh… what do we do now?" She asked honestly, scratching the back of her head.

Papyrus snapped his fingers and a plate of sparkling spaghetti appeared before him, floating mysteriously. "WHATEVER WE WANT! HONESTLY, BEING DEAD IS GREAT! I'M NOT EVEN MAD AT THAT HUMAN!" He snapped his fingers again and made more spaghetti. "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO DIE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I REALLY MISSED YOU!" Spaghetti plates were now orbiting around him.

Undyne wanted to mention how that was a pretty messed up thing to say, but it was Papyrus. She couldn't exactly hold it against him. Instead she just let out a little cough and tried to change the subject of her own death. "So, uh… does that mean…"

"i'm here? missed ya, fish face."

Undyne nearly jumped out of her scales at the sudden Sans, who was now standing behind her, grinning. She curled her hand into a fist and shook it threateningly at the stout little skeleton. "Still with the teleporting tricks?!" she yelled.

"No, actually, everyone can do it here," a female voice came from behind Undyne again, causing another jump.

"heh, good one, t."

"Are you kidding me right now!?" Undyne's temper flared as she found herself greeted by a tall female goat.

The goat lady giggled to herself. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I just couldn't help myself! Sans is a horrible influence!" She grabbed Undyne's hand and placed a delicious smelling pie upon it before she could even realize what happened. "I'm Toriel, by the way, so nice to meet you!"

The skeleton in question shrugged and winked his usual wink. "heh heh, you know what can i say, i kill me."

Papyrus was the one to anger now, stomping his boot into the cloudy sidewalk, wisps of fluff floating away as he did so. "SANS! DON'T JOKE ABOUT YOUR SUICIDE!"

"you're right, bro, i really jumped off the deep end there."

"SANS, THESE ARE HORRIBLE."

"i'm just taking a stab at myself is all."

"THIS IS SOME SERIOUSLY DARK HUMOR FOR HEAVEN, SANS. I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT."

"tough crowd, i'm dyin' here."

"I'M STARTING TO WISH YOU NEVER DIED!"

"thanks, bro, you too."

Undyne was awestruck and ignoring the skeleton shenanigans. She had taken a single bite of Toriel's pie. It was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted in her entire life! It was so sweet, the texture was so soft and felt perfect against her tongue. The scent of cinnamon wafted through her nostrils. But … wait.

"How can I still taste things and smell things if I'm dead?" Undyne asked aloud, breaking up Papyrus' little spat with his brother.

The tall skeleton was all too happy to explain, completely forgetting his horrible brother's puns and jokes about suicide. "WELL IT WOULDN'T BE HEAVEN IF YOU COULDN'T FEEL OR TASTE ANYTHING, WOULD IT?"

The fishy warrior was starting to feel overwhelmed. Everything was good. Too good. "How do I know this isn't some kind of crazy dream? That it's not all fake and I've lost my mind?"

A cheery grin on his face, Papyrus gleefully, and without hesitation proceeded to pinch Undyne's arm rather harshly. He would have to if he wanted to get through her thick scales. "Ow!" she yelped, rubbing the sore spot. "Wait, ow?" she said, realizing she felt that. "Why is there pain in heaven?"

Papyrus was absolutely giddy with excitement. He had been waiting for this moment, and clearly had had practice with this. "NYEH HEH HEH!" He stuck another pose, a finger pointed dramatically in the air as he explained. "WITHOUT PAIN, HOW COULD WE FEEL COMFORT? WE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO FEEL GOOD WITHOUT THE BAD." He scratched his skull. "ALSO SOME PEOPLE LIKE PAIN, I GUESS, AND I MEAN IT IS HEAVEN WE GOTTA SHARE."

Undyne was feeling slightly light-headed at this point. But she could see so clearly, she could feel every breeze, every fluffy cloud. It was like a dream, yet so real, so in control. She heard every sigh of the monsters passing by, and that delicious cinnamon butterscotch pie was still fresh in her nose. It really was heaven. Everything was real. Or at least as real as it can get, she guessed.

"A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T QUITE GET USED TO IT AT THE START EITHER," Papyrus interjected, as if reading her mind. Which she really hoped he couldn't. I COULD READ IT IF YOU WANTED ME TO. No, please, not again. OKAY!

Toriel was giggling at something uncontrollably. "You know, when Sans first got here and realized where we were, the very first thing he did…" she couldn't even finish her own thought as she had succumbed to fits of laughter.

Papyrus' smile turned upside down. "HE MADE A WHOOPIE CUSHION THE SIZE OF THE SUN AND MADE A FART NOISE THAT REVERBERATED THROUGHOUT SEVERAL GALAXIES THAT LASTED FOR CENTURIES."

"i called it a gassy nebula," Sans said, grinning like a madman. Toriel was still in a giggle fit, snorting every now and then.

"IT WASN'T FUNNY!"

"it was pretty funny, bro."

"ARE YOU TWO YEARS OLD?"

"i wouldn't be opposed to a diaper change now and then actually."

"OH MY GOD." Papyrus stopped and looked around nervously. "I WONDER IF I SHOULD STOP SAYING THAT, ACTUALLY."

Emotions of every kind were rushing through Undyne so rapidly that she could barely keep up, but one in particular was rising to her chest quite often, making her uncomfortable. "So, uh… Sans…" she started, scratching the back of her head. "I, uh, sorry about the whole scarf fight between us."

Sans gave back a healthy shrug. For once, there wasn't a huge dose of passive aggression in it. "no biggie, i only killed myself over it, after all." Okay, there was still a little dose actually. But Undyne could tell the skeleton wouldn't hold it against her, after all, how could he? It was quite hard to harbor hatred in heaven. Hard, but still possible, she thought to herself, remembering the human with a grimace.

Papryus apparently guessed at her thoughts again (I DIDN'T MEAN TO THIS TIME SORRY) and grabbed her arm, already taking her down one of the cloudy lanes that made up Heaven. "UNDYNE, I NEED TO SHOW YOU AROUND. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO DO."

"so much to see."

"SANS NOT NOW."

Toriel giggled at that again. Undyne recognized her as the former queen, and could already guess how she ended up here. All she got out of her though was that she liked pies and Sans' jokes. She heard more laughs and giggles out of Toriel then any actual words.

Sans winked at her. "what can i say? we're a match made in heaven."

"Oh god, not you, too." Why did people have to keep reading her mind? it's fun. STOP IT SANS. okay bro.

The group wandered down the avenue, which was very clean and very nice, which should have been expected from heaven. Undyne met a lot of Whimsun, Vegetoids and Froggits, who all seemed perfectly fine. A lot of Froggits though, like, _so many Froggits._ It was unsettling if Undyne thought about it long enough.

"Oh, what's this place?" she heard Toriel ask out of the blue. She looked to her right where the goat lady indicated.

"MTT- Brand Burger Emporium?" Undyne asked aloud.

"OH YEAH. THEY HAVE A LOT OF THOSE HERE." Papyrus waved his arm down the avenue, where more of the MTT restaurants were situated, along with other multiple places that were all called Metabucks. Whatever those were.

"IT IS A VERY NICE PLACE. THEY HAVE BURGERS AND FRIES AND MILKSHAKES AND BOX-SHAPED STEAKS. ALL AT OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE PRICES."

"so it's like grillby's."

Papyrus frowned. "IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT GREASY ESTABLISHMENT, SANS. PLEASE DO NOT BADMOUTH IT SO."

"But uh…" Undyne started, bothered by something. "Why do we need a place to sell burgers? Can't we just make them right here, going by the rules of this place?"

"YOU GO TO MTT FOR THE ATMOSPHERE," Papyrus supplied helpfully. "AND TO BUY THEIR MERCHANDISE." He then held up a tiny Mettaton action figure, complete with mechanical lights, long arms, and single wheel. "IT ONLY COSTS AS MUCH AS THE STEAK."

"And that's another thing; why do we need to pay them? Is money important here, too?"

"NO. NOT AT ALL. MONEY IS ACTUALLY VERY WORTHLESS IN HEAVEN, BUT PEOPLE LIKE THE FAMILIAR THINGS."

"Do you think they sell pastry items here as well?" Toriel asked, then creased her forehead. "Oh, but I do hope it is not of the frozen variety."

"Does frozen food actually exist in this place?!" Undyne asked, genuinely confused.

"LET'S FIND OUT, NYEH HEH!" Papyrus said. With the snap of his boney fingers, they all went to MTT-Brand Burger Emporium in the blink of an eye and returned with sparkling Glamburgers. Undyne was already eating hers.

"These burgers kinda suck though," she said. "Even in the eternal bliss of heaven."

Papyrus was happily getting sequins all over his jaw as he took a bite. "JUST LIKE THE REAL THING."

"yeah, too bad metts ain't dead yet." Sans nonchalantly threw the burger at a nearby cloud-bush.

Toriel followed Sans' example. "I don't think I am used to this kind of food."

"takes skill." He then gestured further down the street. "i think i'll head off to grillby's. wanna come, tori?"

Immediately a replica of the Grillby's diner appeared right next to the Burger Emporium, down to the sign and the fire exits that were only made for those of fire.

"Oh, of course! I've always wanted to visit since you told me so much about it." Toriel giggled excitedly.

Papyrus crossed his arms with a clatter. "STILL GOING BACK TO YOUR USUAL GROSS HABITS, I SEE." He paused. "ALSO GRILLBY IS NOT EVEN DEAD YET EITHER."

"yeah." At that, Sans gave a small sigh. "wish he was though. the burgs just won't be the same."

"SANS, IT IS EXACTLY THE SAME. THAT IS THE POINT OF HEAVEN."

"it's just not the same."

In all honestly, Undyne wasn't opposed to going to Grillby's. Some unsalted fries would go good with this glue-filled burger, really.

* * *

Undyne was starting to get used to this whole heaven thing, really liked the idea. There was a lot to do and see (the extent of the entire galaxies, ancient and alien civilizations, a nice little bench that Papyrus liked), and both Sans and Toriel were pretty cool to hang out with once one got past the horribly dated jokes. She even got to hang out with her old guard buddies that had all been ruthlessly slaughtered by the human. Doggo had admitted he never even saw the end coming. Sans had laughed, Papyrus had yelled. Pretty much the same when she was alive really.

While Sans and Toriel had gone off somewhere, something to do with pies and jokes because that was what they were all about apparently, both Papyrus and Undyne hung out at that favorite bench. It was actually quite comfy, it's surface made of the soft, fluffy cloud material like everything else. She expected this kind of thing. Both sat there, looking out over Heaven city.

"So…" Undyne started off. "What do you wanna do now that we can do anything?"

Papyrus practically had stars in his eyes. "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY THAT! WE SHOULD GO ON ADVENTURES!"

Undyne was intrigued. "What kind?"

"I WAS THINKING WE COULD BE ARCHEOLOGISTS AND SEARCH THROUGH TOMBS, AND GO THROUGH SPACE AND HAVE ADVENTURES THERE, OR MAYBE EVEN BE DETECTIVES AND SOLVE MYSTERIES!"

Adrenaline was pumping through her veins now. "That sounds amazing! Will we get to punch and fight things!?"

Papyrus nodded and grinned. "YEP! PUNCH EVERYTHING YOU LIKE! IT'LL BE OUR OWN ADVENTURES!"

"And then we can write down our stories for everyone to see!"

"YES THAT WOULD BE AMAZING! WE CAN PUT IT UP ON THE HEAVEN NET."

"And have people read about our adventures."

"WELL IT'D ONLY BE PEOPLE ALREADY DEAD THAT CAN READ IT, THOUGH."

"So, basically, anyone reading these stories would have to be dead the whole time?"

"YES! IT'S QUITE THE TWIST!"

And it was quite a twist, wasn't it?


End file.
